This week, The Doctor has just returned to their secret hi-tech headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball after a busy day of protecting.

He tossed his hat and jacket on the floor, slumped into his favourite hi-tech armchair and put his feet up on a hi-tech coffee table.

``Hey!'' The Colonel said. ``Don't just throw your clothes everywhere! I've spent the whole day cleaning up in case The Pope comes around. I even threw out that big pile of boring papers you had sitting on your desk.''

``My novel!'' The Doctor exclaimed. ``Where did you throw it?''

``Let's not get into a petty argument about who burnt whose manuscript,'' The Colonel said. ``We've got more important things to worry about - Allansford is sinking into the Earth at an alarming rate. By this time next week, it will have disappeared off the map completely... just like Winchelsea.''

``What are you talking about?''

``Apparently Allansford's undercut with limestone caverns and unstable sinkholes and Satan's Kingdom. It's so bad they can't even build an industrial estate there.''

The Doctor frowned. ``That sounds serious.''

``But that's not all - Koroit's turning into a slum.''

``A slum?''

``Yep,'' The Colonel said. ``Apparently residents are concerned that a new housing development is going to create some kind of Irish-flavoured ghetto, complete with Guinness-fuelled crime sprees, drive-by spuddings, and gangs of angry leprechauns rampaging through the streets.''

``Are you serious?''

``Deadly serious, Doctor. But I have a solution.''

The Doctor raised an eyebrow suspiciously. ``Really?''

``Yep. It's obvious these towns can't look after themselves anymore so it's time to draw them in to nuzzle at Warrnambool's ample bosom. We need to invade Koroit and Allansford and claim them as part of the People's Republic of Warrnambool once and for all. It's for their own good.''

``That's not a bad idea, Colonel. Those towns will benefit from Warrnambool's resources and manpower, and after enough time they will have joined Warrnambool geographically anyway.''

``That's right - it's a pre-emptive strike and they always work. In fact, while we're at it, let's invade a few other towns who need our help.''

``Such as?''

``Mailors Flat. Cobden. Simpson. Hobart.''

``Hobart?''

``Of course, Doctor. Think globally, act locally.''

``You don't even know what that means - you just saw it on a bumper sticker.''

``Whatever. But at this rate Warrnambool will be well on its way to my target of becoming the capital of Victoria.''

``You're forgetting one thing, Colonel - Warrnambool doesn't have an army.''

``What about the Salvation Army? It's about time they stopped all this charity nonsense and acted like a real army.''